Parents: do you care what other kids think about your child?

[pud333]

I'm gonna be a father soon and I need some advice.

Quick backstory: my friend's little boy is heading to kindergarten and his mother sewed him a lunch bag. Problem is, the first thing everyone thought when they saw it was, that's a purse! This poor boy is going to walk in to school with a black purse.

I don't care what other people think about me, but I've got a tough skin. I've handled death threats with barely a shrug. But I know how horrible kids can be, and how terrible it is to grow up in school being bullied. (My brother was bullied and to this day he still nurses old wounds.) In this case, the mother is blissfully unaware, but the rest of us see potential problems (not just the purse. The purse is just one aspect of a larger issue with the child that may plague him for years.)

Now I want my child to be independent and have her own personality and not be like the rest of the sheep. However, I know bullying can haunt a child for years, so I think it is important to have a good first impression at school. Anyone else worry about this when they shop for their kid? Eg: I like this, but the other kids are gonna tease him for wearing it...

Or do you just not care?

[TMIIWonkoNemises]

This has been something I always wondered for years (Being a victim of bullying myself) why kids have this need to pick on others and cause such trauma without any sense of morale.This is one of the reasons why I prefer never having children,just to see the harsh reality of their faces when they have to encounter kids like them as I had.

Personally,for me,I was anxious when my young second cousins have to go to kindergarden due to what the other kids might think.However,I consider them lucky for having parents that already taught them the facts of life before heading to school,as well as exposing them to a 'kindergarden'-like environment through daycare and getting involved in sports or the arts.They are well aware of what's going to happen,and they always check with their teachers to see if things are alright with their kids and their classmates.

My advice for you is get your kid be surrounded in an kid-heavy environment before kindergarden to have a sense of what it will be like when starting school.I also think it's better to befriend kids who are planning to go to the same school (I have seen this happen with the kids in my mother's daycare,and they've already felt more comfortable and happier when entering kindergarden compared to kids who doesn't know anybody).Also,teach him/her the important things in life:Stay strong,kids can be cruel,and if you think getting the latest toy,clothing,etc. will get you friends,they aren't your real friends at all.

Also,it wouldn't hurt to teach them how to defend themselves in case of a confrontation.

[Robimus]

So Pud, when you say "every saw it" you mean that adults and adults you know that saw it?

I'd be surprised if any kindergarden kids made any sort of social commentary about it.

Look at it this way. The black purse is going to be in his backpack and only come out at lunch. If mom bought him a Strawberry Shortcake backpack I'd be a bit more concerned(though my own daughter has had varied backpacks from Transformers to Barbie to Star Wars Lego for grade 4). I think the whole purse deal will be a non issue.

Originally Posted by TMIIWonko

Also,it wouldn't hurt to teach them how to defend themselves in case of a confrontation.

Say what? It's kindergarden

There is enough stress in their lives starting out in school.

[juxtapose519]

I think it's a pretty complicated issue.

If it was something that the kid WANTED to do, I would say that there's nothing more important than letting him/her be themselves even if that means putting a potential target on their back. Even if your son wants to wear a dress to school, he should have every right as long as he feels comfortable with his own image.

On the other hand, if it's just any old lunch bag that looks like a purse and the child doesn't feel any attachment to it either way, then there's no sense in putting him in a potentially negative situation. If that's the case, I would suggest at least mentioning your concerns to the mother.

Ultimately, I think it all comes down to what the kid wants. If he goes to school and decides that he doesn't like the lunch bag because someone made fun of it, then he shouldn't be forced to take it. If someone makes fun of it and he still wants to take it because he likes it so much, that's where things get a little complicated. I can't really see that being the case though. Kindergarten was a pretty easy gig.

[jjwankenobi]

My wife painted my (2 year old) daughter's toenails pink this past July so my (5 year old) son wanted his toenails painted too. He chose a dark indigo blue. When he was running around barefoot at a friend's house a week later one of the kids said he looked "gay". My son shrugged it off and continued to play with his laser gun.

We've always strived to teach him that not everyone will be kind to you so return the favour to the ones that are and base-line civil to the ones that aren't. Try approaching the "purse" from the child's point of view. To them it's just a bag but to others it screams "purse". To my son his toenails looked cool but to others it screamed"homo". Teach your kids that some people won't like the things they like and that they do not have to please everyone especially if it means losing your individuality.

[TMIIWonkoNemises]

Originally Posted by Robimus

Say what? It's kindergarden

There is enough stress in their lives starting out in school.

I've been in at least three schools during kindergarden,and I've only seen at least two fights happen.Trust me,these kids know about things a lot quicker than we expect them to.

[pud333]

Thanks for the advice, guys. Yeah, I meant everyone meaning adults. 5 year old kids for the most part won't care.

I'm just concerned, that's all. His younger brother runs around wearing hot pink and painting his finger nailes, which is totally cool, and we all encourage him, but I am concerned what may happen later if he choses to dress like that when he's in grade 2 or 3 or later.

As Nemesis mentioned, I too have wondered what causes kids to bully others. Why some kids get bullied, why others don't get bullied. My brother was relentlessly bullied during his elementry school years. Nobody picked on him when we were going to the same school, but we're four years apart, and when I went to Jr. high, he was all alone, and it seemed other kids just feasted off him. It's not like he's standing out in any particular way. Yes, we were the only asian family in the tiny town we lived in, but no one ever really bullied me. If they tried, it stopped almost immediately when they realized I didn't care. And I really didn't. I never gave a second thought to it, which is probably why I failed to see the signs in my brother. When I look back on it, I remember my brother used to be so happy and lively, and over the course of his later elementary school years, I recall how he got more quiet and sullen; withdrawn even, to the point where he was so timid when speaking out. I remember when we went to McDonalds together and he wanted something extra, and I told him to go order it, and he went up and basically hid in his jacket and spoke so quietly the clerk couldn't hear him. In hindsight, that was so unlike him. He still has a scar on his neck from when some kid slashed him with a ruler in grade 6. At the time he told us he just fell into a branch, but I only found out about the truth when he was 20.

Anyway, I don't know what makes kids bully others. Some kids unintentionally seem to almost invite it. Of course they don't want it, but kids seem to be like sharks; if they smell blood in the water, they'll attack. And I admit, when I look back on my behaviour, I think I may have unknowingly bullied one particular kid in highschool a few times. I thought it was harmless fun, and I don't know how it affected him in the long run, but I'm sure it wasn't fun for him. I feel really ashamed about that.

Anyway, I guess I'm being a bit overprotective or paranoid. We'll see I guess. At the end of the day, I want to encourage individuality and for these kids to explore the world and find their own voices. I just hope they don't get their spirits crushed by other kids. One of the most touching stories I have ever read involved a boy (I can't remember where), but he loved wearing dresses. At his first day of school, he was made fun of, so he came home and said he never wants to wear dresses again. So what did his father do? His father put on a dress, and proudly walked around town with his son. I thought that was beautiful.

[jourdo]

On the black purse topic: Who cares... it is Kindergarten. If they were older, I would maybe make a deal out of it.

On the general kid topic: It is really tough. You never want your kids to have to go through any type of pain or suffering, but some of it is unavoidable. We teach our kids to be independent thinkers. For the most part we let them choose what they wear, etc... but we will absolutely step in if we think they are putting an unnecessary target on their backs. Kids are cruel, and there is no reason to set your children up to fail if it can be avoided.

Some lessons are best learned on your own, while others benefit from the wisdom of others.

Originally Posted by TMIIWonkoNemises

I've been in at least three schools during kindergarden,and I've only seen at least two fights happen.Trust me,these kids know about things a lot quicker than we expect them to.

Holy crap! What schools are these? I've never seen (or heard of) a Kindergarten scrap in my life.

[TMIIWonkoNemises]

Originally Posted by jourdo

Holy crap! What schools are these? I've never seen (or heard of) a Kindergarten scrap in my life.

A couple of Catholic schools in somewhat shady neighborhoods whose names I can't remember (And for good reason)

[chans formers]

@both jourdo and tmwonko,well said,word for word.

you can shelter them as much as you like,but in the end,you can't be there forever by their side.(something i'm still trying to deal with too)
hopefully when your not there and something happens,they know how to deal with it properly and have the confidence to tell you or somebody before it really gets out of hand.
about the actual bullying,i see it as "kids will be kids",and it's almost a "pack" mentality,which alot of us don't really grow out of.don't believe me?wait till the next dumbass or scalper puts up a post selling gdo exclusives(just an example) or something like that,80-90 bucks each,and watch the ensuing fireworks
why fight human nature?